I'm the Christian I was Before

I'm not the Christian I used to be.  I'm the Christian I was before.

I've been unraveling that mystery over the last few days, weeks, and months. 

Things are beginning to come into focus.

When I was little, I was enthralled with Jesus.  The songs we sang in Sunday School all revolved around Him.  He was "in my heart" and on my VBS t-shirt.  He was everything.  I drew pictures of Him, asked questions about Him, and sang "Happy Birthday Jesus" every Christmas.  I was that kid always talking to and about Jesus. 

But in high school, I was introduced to the wonderful world of theology.  I fell in love with the study of God -- this divine mystery that captivated me.  All of a sudden, all my childhood Bible stories and flannel graphs had a very intellectual and mature context.  The academic in me became slightly obsessed and I devoted myself to study.  But, somewhere between Calvin and Grudem, I lost sight of Jesus.  He began to seem trite.  Rather than singing simple songs to Him -- I recited doctrine.  Instead of using "immature" language to describe salvation such as Jesus "in my heart," I claimed that I had accepted His atonement for sin.  I still loved Jesus, but it was different.  I scoffed at those who mused about the fluffy, sugary, teddy bear Jesus.  What baby Christians.  Didn't they know that God was much more than cotton candy?  He's omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent (and there's probably another omni in there somewhere).  All I could see was arguments, theologies, and 5 point doctrines.  I felt as though I had found my niche.  I was going to be the smart theology girl.  It takes my breath away to think of it now, but Jesus faded into the background for awhile -- replaced with scholars and systematic theology.  Jesus became cute and unimportant.  The cross became elementary. 

Then something happened a few years ago.  Jesus cut through my logic and showed me love.  All of a sudden I was a child once more.  Jesus captured my affections in a way so real and so tangible that my heart gushed for Him.  In this last year at home, He has led me further and further down the path of love.  These days I sound like a certified hippie, because I am consumed with Jesus' love.  It's what the world needs now -- His love, sweet love.  When life is the question, Jesus' love is the answer.  I still enjoy theology and ridiculously thick books full of ideas about the Divine, but now my motivation is purely love.  Oh that I might know all that my heart and mind can contain about this magnificent One.  I've come full circle, back to the little girl who is enthralled with Jesus. 

Thank You Jesus that I'm not the Christian I used to be.  Thank you for making me the Christian I was before.