I like doing a good job. Things like perfect records and 4.0's are important to me. When viewing this part of me from the perspective of doing things with a spirit of excellence, this is a great thing. But when it stems from the perfectionist side of me - with its striving and insecurities - it's deadly.
I've been given many responsibilities since starting my internship with Gateways Beyond. I love the work, despite the fact that I can't remember my brain being this tired since final exams in college. Friday was the climax of my first week. My assignment? Send two emails promoting a worship event we're having on the island and complete some research projects. Sounds simple, even elementary... or so I thought. To make a 4 and a half hour saga short enough for this blog, the task proved more difficult than I had originally anticipated. Due to new programs, computer freezes, formatting errors and internet failures, it took me four and a half hours to send those two emails. And in my mind, the worst part of it all was having to ask for help. I loathed having to make one phone call after the other to leaders and supervisors at home with their families because I could not find the answers to my technical problems on my own. After about 4 hours, I was exhausted. Although I had not done much physical activity apart from running from my desk to the phone, I felt like my mind had run a marathon and I was no closer to getting out of this predicament. The light at the end of the tunnel seemed non-existent. These two emails were time sensitive and needed to go out that night. While my room mates were at home get dressed and beautified for that night's shabbat dinner, I was sitting the office, in my jeans - unshowered and disheartened. I wanted to be the girl that always has it together. That the leaders would say, "Oh we know Chelsea can do it - we trust her." I wanted to report back that I had finished every task I'd been given and then some. I wanted to do everything perfectly. And here I was, glaring at my computer screen - my brain bursting with frustration and my eyes welling up with tears.
And then there was that still small voice, "Chelsea, your worth is not found in your work. It's not about how good of a job you do. Your worth is found in My love." How had I missed it? How had I been so foolish? How had I forgotten love? I had allowed stress to not only enter in, but completely take control - to the point that I was CRYING about two emails! I stopped, took a deep breath, repented and allowed the love of the Father to wash over me. I listened as He spoke truth to my soul. I am good enough without my work because I have Him. My leadership loves me - not for the job I do - but for who I am in Christ. I have a measure of grace each day to accomplish my tasks, I need only to rest in that truth and rely on Jesus in every part of my day. At that point, something shifted in the room. Despair and insecurity no longer resided - hope and confidence in Christ had moved in. Within 30 minutes, I had finished my work and was on my way to shabbat dinner. My room mates graciously brought me some dress clothes and I made a quick change in the bathroom, which made me feel a bit like Superman, minus the super part. I sat down at the table just in time to see the them light the candles - signifying the beginning of shabbat. I was able to exhale. Peace... and more tears, only this time they came from a different place - not from discouragement, but from a knowledge that I am found in the love of God. He provides for me in every situation, from finances to healing - salvation to emails.
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